さようなら- Sayonara

Dear myself, please dont forget what's your feels now,

6 years journey finally arrived at its destination. Stopped. 6 years, 2 years plus 4 years through thick thin apa semua dont tell me its easy to forget. impossible. Even aku yang jenis bukan kisah sangat pun jadi kisah isu sentimental. Idk how to put my emotions onto words especially when it comes to compressed everything happened in 4 years. 

4 years of tears, laugh, experiences, I saw myself changing, We saw our self changing. Without we realized, the unseen thread between us strangled and we stuck to each other for four years. and now its finally end. 

At first mmg happy gila sebab dah habis, credit pun clear, lagi2 dah hantar hardbind. sampai ke akhir, nothing going smoothly. This route was crazy as hell, was tired, was sad, alone, full of negative thought, always wanted to give up, full with cried and tears, full with crap maki makian, full with sangka buruk sesama sendiri, full with mengumpat, full with salahkan diri sendiri dan orang lain, depressed, and nothing going right. everything was wrong.This route. 

But still, all these things happened make me realized, betul kata orang, walaupun hujan, tapi pelangi keluar lepastu langit cantik, like no matter how hard life, lepastu ada keindahan dia. But I enjoyed rain. who cares about pelangi yang always comes to meet you after pouring rain, after you struggled hard redah hujan. But actually hujan is soothing , give you the best moment of feelings. give you the best relaxed moment. Give you the biggest rahmat that we never know, that why doa mustajab bila hujan, not after raibow comes out isnt it?  

Ahh, its too sad. Im speechless. Im so in the bottom of my sadness now. it is almost 9.5/10 of my sadness. Stressed. I really missed them, but I dont want to return, I need to move on. Need to move forward. What to do. Dah habis. 

Dah habis. tu je boleh cakap sekarang. 

Now im asking myself, can I meet these bunch of people again? and would the feeling stay the same? and would our conversation still in the same tempo? would our stupid joke will acceptable again? would our laugh still honest and sincere? and would they looked at me the same as they look me before?

Then I though that we are not breathing the same atmosphere anymore. ahh benci, selalu ada saja ayat aku nak goreng sebab sedih. ni sebab sedih sangat tak tahu nak buat ayat apa. Sebak jugak, tak tahu apa yang sedih. 

Rasa macam baru je aku complaint sebab nak tukar kos, Tapi rasa macam skejap sangat masa berlalu, aku pun teruskan aje. sebab aku tahu ada kawan2 yang boleh support aku, kita mula start langkah tu sama sama, masing2 curious, masing2 nervous, masing2 takut, masing2 byk benda tak tahu, masing2 nak explore banyak benda. Sebab tu dalam perjalanan tu ada jatuh bangun. Apa lagi kita dalam fasa baru nak membesar, apa yang aku lalui ni lah, siapa bersama aku ni lah yang membuatkan aku jadi aku sekarang. Kalau fikirkan balik, masa kita lalui tu langsung tak terasa, masa dah takde ni lah baru nak terasa. terasa macam semuaa hikmah yang aku tertanya-tanya sepanjang aku lalui pjalanan yang aku sendiri ragu2 dah terjawab. Terjawab hampir. 

Termasuk kisah paling tak boleh lupa, kisah yang paling myayat hati, kisah paling sedih paling tragis, Kadang ingat aku lalui semua benda sorg, aku slalu merepek meroyan kata aku sorang2 takde org nak support aku, padahal kawan ada blakang aku. Ada bahu aku boleh pinjam, ada tangan aku boleh capai, ada telingaa yg boleh dengar aku.

Bila terfikir, masa intern haritu, dah kerja serious lonely kalau sorang2, dengan kerja yang buat hal masing masing, dah lah baru kenal. Tak borak hal peribadi sangat. Jatuh bangun apa semua tak tahu, limitasi kat situ. Mana aku nak cari kawan yang mcm dorg ni. walaupun mmg dorg mulut jahat. suka ngumpat , tp aku kena stick ngan dorg, *kesat ayaq mata sambil gelak*

Demit, sedih betul. sekarang mmg aku percaya kata2 senior,zaman degree lah paling best seumur hidup , takkan boleh lupa. 

Kirameki- Sparkle.

your lie in April

落ち込んでた時も　気がつけば笑ってる 

二人なら　世界は息を吹き返した 

いつもの帰り道　足音刻むリズム 
雨上がり　街を抜けてゆく風の優しい匂い 

同じ時間を分け合いながら　二人で過ごせた奇跡を 
これから先も繋げたいんだ　ちゃんと目を見て伝えたい 

つないでいたい手は　君のものだったよ 
握り方で何もかもを伝え合える　その手だった 
他の誰でもない　君じゃなきゃだめだよ 
いつまでもそばにいたいと思えた 

振り返ってみても　いないのは分かってる 
なのにまた　名前呼ばれた気がして　見渡してみる 

角を曲がれば　歩幅合わせた　あの頃に戻れるような 
桜のアーチ　今はその葉を　オレンジに染めてるけど 

咲かせたい笑顔は　君のものだったよ 
街彩る木々のように　綺麗な赤い　その頬だった 
思い出が舞い散る　こみ上げる想いを 
どこまでも遠い空へと　飛ばした 

聞いていたい声は　君のものだったよ 
耳を伝い体中を包むような　その声だった 
出会いから全てが　かけがえのない日々 
いつまでもこの胸にあるよ　ありがとう

Even if we're feeling down, we'd smile once we realize,

That as long as we're together, our world would come to life once again

 The rhythm of our footsteps, as we walked our usual way home,

And the scent an occasional breeze brings after a rainy day

The times we spent together, and the miracles we created,

I want to convey all these feelings; hoping I can always be with you

  

Those hands of yours, are what I wish to hold most,

For we can share our feelings, as long as we try

I want to be by your side, and not just any other person's,

For you're irreplaceable in my heart, forever and always.

  

You're no longer here by my side, I'm well aware of that

Even then, I glanced back once more, thinking that you called out to me

And the sakura flowers at the arch we used to frequent,

Makes me feel like we could return to the past, even though they're now tinted in orange

  

All I wanted to see is your smile,

And have your beauty colour my world in pastel once more

Recalling the memories that welled up inside me,

I let out my feelings, hoping they'll reach out to you far away

  

All I want to hear is your voice,

And have it resonate undulatingly throughout me once more

And the times we spent together, are all irreplaceable in my heart

I'll treasure these memories you gave me, so thank you,

 and good bye.

Sayonara,

Artsigno.

Migi

Before I forget how I felt. Before I forget how your smile, Your scents, Your voices and laugh. Before I forget everything. Before everything going to fade away. Before everything change. Before all those musics we listened together became meaningless. before all those tears and laugh become history. Before all the food that we tasted together become tasteless. Before I forgot how to call your name, how to insult you, how to console you how to make you laugh. Before I forget every moment that we spent together.

I just want to tell you that someday I might forget. someday I might forget everything about us. and tell me everything again. and at least I can tell my life is great when I with you. To be honest, I afraid, I dont want to forget how I felt. it was pleasure. sentimental. happy and eventhough we knew that day will end someday. But we need to move forward. But as long as I didn't  forget, I will keep this feeling forever.

Argh. Benci cakap pasal lupa lupa lupa. Kalau memori tu letak kat otak. cereblum ke cerebrum ke. Kalau perasaan tu letak kat hati ke, jantung ke. why is everything not permanent? Why the time that flies will never come back? Aku selalu marah dengan diri aku sendiri. Dulu aku menangis nak berpisah. Lepastu aku lupa macam tu rasanya. sebab apa Migi tinggalkan Shinichi walaupun dia taknak sebenarnya padahal dia boleh. (parasyte).

Cakap pasal tinggal tak tinggal. dah 10 hari tinggalkan Reka. rasa macam dah lama dah. Rindu tak rindu. sebak tak sebak. 5 bulan tu dah macam2 boleh berlaku.

kalau aku lupa. ingatkan. kalau aku masih ingat. aku akan terus doa.

from good-for-nothing girl

Iam now officially 24 years old woman. yelah. 7 January haritu. Some people asked me, what is my wish when Im turned 24. and when the new year coming. Orang2 dah start cakap pasal azam tahun baru dan langsaikan hutang2 azam tahun lepas. Then I realized something new about my self. I want to grow up , I mean, not grow old. Grow old is only numerical. What's the point is, I want to grow up, and catch whatever I can. Grab every chance, Take any risk, choose any roads.

Talking about dreams, when I turned 24, I want to start to make my dream come true, I think that's enough about dreams, about hoping, I want to make it a real thing! To have my own paintings gallery, To have swimming pool in my house, heated!, To open art school for homeless child. To go travel around the world and bring only brushes, colors and papers. To have my own photography&Paintings exhibitions. To make more friends and artist from all over countries. To have gym room in my house , To have practice room, I want to go here and there, to become happy. and happy. 

Then, lepastu, ada orang tanya. how about dakwah? Usrah? dan perjuangan Islam?Are going to abandon 'em? and who going to help make your dream come true? alone? are you going to travel alone? how about your work? parents? siblings? how about continue study?.

Pada aku, its depends on how you define Da'wah. Gezz~~ Ive post too much already about this matter. I dont like discussing these thing anymore . But what will you get when you're asking me about how iam going to do Da'wah from all my dreams? because Iam going to answer that is my Da'wah. Ive receive too much for myself. dah banyak sangat aku join usrah, aku pergi program sana. masa zaman skolah dulu, cubalah tanya brapa banyak aku contribute program2 motivasi dan da'wah (xdakla byk mana pon,kah!). But everything Ive done, end up I will get it for myself. untuk aku. then It become slowly wasted because I get bored all the time for attending the same event. I keep asking myself. then, what can I really contribute with all I have? with these Ilmu? with these usrah dalam dada ni. Orang kata, join program, buatlah amal, handle lah usrah. I tried. but I failed. I knew it. aku ni tak sesuai jadi kakak usrah, or pergi program2 yang menekan2 minda sangat. I dont like it. I failed so many times, I wonder why, is that because of the methods? no, because some people can accept it. is that because of people? no, because I like them. so what's the problem. I couldnt figure it out. 

Until one day,Umi asked me if I still join usrah at university. I said, no , I stopped. I closed my eyes, Im ready to receive any bebelan or any punishment that I should get. because she knew that I really contributed with Nisa' kawasan, and usrah kawasan when I still at CFS, she never ask anything until I got transferred to Main camp. But she asked me, What is my own method to do Da'wah. should have your own back up. do something. there are so many ways. you can't idling around. She saw so many potential inside me, she dont want things got wasted since I have talent in my own. 

Then, I figured it out. I have to do something. Of course people don't know, people don't see my usrah. people won't see my da'wah. because it comes in different ways. I keep praying that someday, someone will notice, someone will feel so grateful and feel believe and have strong faith in Allah when they saw my methods.  Because ,these are the things that I have faith in myself. People look more beauty and do better when they have confidence in their self .Nak suruh aku handle usrah. memang dengan anak2 usrah aku jahanam nanti.apatah lagi writing articles or fight about politics, I know this might sound excuses for myself taknak handle usrah or join mana2 program xnak pergi meeting. Then its up to you. If you are about to ask me what is my contribution in Islam so far, I will say, I dont know yet and I will never know how much Ive already contributed, because, there are some people who in front of the screen will feel something when they read my post. will shred their tears when they watch my videos, will say Alhmdulillah and subhanallah when they watch my artwork. My contribution might be small, but if this can affected people's heart towards big deeds, then that would be good enough for a loser like me.  

Just like how much those animes changed my perceptions. Just like how much that 2 minutes short videos changed my attitude, Just how much their paintings showed me that Allah's created more more beautiful paintings in my life. Just like how much Im feeling grateful that Ive better life when I read their stories, Just like how much I know that Islam is the best way of life when I saw their pictures. Bukankah Islam itu indah dan mudah? 

There were some time that Im giving up everything. Aku mogok. aku taknak join program, aku tak nak buat apa apa. I became wasted and useless, I became worst, and I started to hate my self , why I was born in Islam. why? because of people pressuring me. accused me that Ive been lost, cakap aku dah berubah. cakap aku makin teruk, cakap aku tak join itu ini  sebab aku dah berubah. sesat. and started to see me as "golongan yang tercicir" "golongan yang futur". Thanks to the past. I am now become who I am. I will try my best in my own way, I will certainly will gather my ally, and show that Islam is more beautiful and Allah is more great than you ever thought. Our methods might be different, and our aim might be not the same too, but we do expecting the same result. To make the world a better place. to make better individual, to make better community and country? Isn't there? or...maybe you just want to bring people to go to heaven. I dont know lah. argh. excuse pijah. ini semua excuses. 

To all people out there, if you think you are good-for-nothing person that only waste space in this world, then you are wrong. Allah Never created human for nothing. we are the reason for each other. I need you, and you need me, you remind me and I will never let your hand. We just need to find a thing that we are capable with. If you good at drawing, then draw, but draw a good thing. If you good at singing, then composed a good lyrics. If you good at sports, then show that you still have to solat no matter what. If you good or confidence in anything. Show them, that only ALLAH ya Qawiy, Ya Matin, can give you such strength. If you good at loving, show that Allah Ya Wadud is the greatest lover. at least kalau kau rasa kau dah tak berguna sangat dah, pandanglah muka kau kat cermin, and said, at least kau jaga muka kau. gigi kau. tp kalau kau tak gosok gigi, aku xtau lah kau mmg useless sgt lah tu >.<

Well, well, another long and boring post. Oh Hey, thanks for anyone who wish my birthday. and thanks to anyone who remember but didnt wish. thanks to anyone who dont remember but pernah wish like 10 years ago. thanks thanks. Your wish will never be a waste, wishes always remind me that me that my existence at least accepted by certain people. and this time of my 24th birthday, I remarked it as the first mature celebration. sebab dalam opis -..- ha ha ha. and the best 24th birthday gift is, this internship experience. all of them, included the people I met, the jobs, the environment, events.

Nah, jangan kata hakak dak payong noooohh~~~~

And you will be more appreciate and grateful to people who are stay and still with you. 

Tak kisahlah depa tu suka ke dak suka hang kan? -,,-

First 24th years old post

My first post in 2016, Happy Masihi New Year, Hijrah New Year is already started long time ago. well,  If you dont remember, today is 22nd of Rabiul Awwal 1437hijri. Honestly, on 31st day of 2015, I had this thought that Im gonna turn 24 soon. They said that women who turn into 24-26 years is at their most rilexing level in their emotion. haha. Trust me, women doesnt have any limits in their emotion. It is all depends on their situation ye know!

Then, I will start the story that happened yesterday. semalam hantar umi pergi mesir, kat KLIA. So I met her and her friend. salam tangan kejap lepastu nak pegi toilet. When I came back, I just realized that ada sorg chinese girl yang duduk depan umi. These seats kat depan terminal E, which is ada 6 chairs yang facing each other. so, that chinese girl sit infront of umi, then next to her is me. borak2 dengan umi. Then umi ckp . "ok jom lah amik gamba.." then I go lah duduk besides umi , suruh nada amikkan gamba. When I get back besides her, she suddenly asked me to take her picture. yeah. sure. why not. bila nak bg balik hdphone dia. Then dia tanya.

"What kind of gesture that you do with her.." dia tunjuk gaya salam cium tangan. oh that was long time ago. I bet she really simpan that curious nak tanya. haha .

Then, me and nada explain that is when we greet people who older than us. I dont say it shows of seniority or sort of, I somekind of respect lah we said. then she nodded understand. She seems impressed and excited. It happen that she is first time in Malaysia, tp dia transit je, which is she never had chance to walk around KL. well I bet she doesnt have any plans to walk malaysia. of course, her destination is Nepal.

Then we stopped for a while , aku berborak2 balik dengan umi aku yg aku dh lama tak jumpa. balik rumah xjumpa kat rumah pun. kena pegi jumpa kat KLIA juga. Meet my mom is very costly I guess. Then its getting late, moms flight at 2pm, that time is already 11 so we have to gerak balik puchong segera. then I greet her for the last time. Then dy tanya bleh mintak mail tak , pastu aku pun suggest yang nak email dia and number dy so that we can keep in touch. You guys should watch her reaction that she is truly happy to know us. mom said "suka dia kat pizah." yeah. I can see from her expression, is like you're happy that uve got new friends. She gimme a hug. and the we taking picture.

Mom said, That's the power of Ya Rahman Ya Rahim. Aura kasih sayang yang Allah pancarkan buatkan seseorang tertarik dengan kita. well, of course there will be some hikmah that we didnt know. I always wonder how strangers see me in their eyes. i mean, non muslim ke, that because I never had chance to know them. I dont have any non muslim friend that much. Iam so happy that Allah let her likes me at least want to talk to me. huhu. I took this event as a great opening of my 2016. and I do hope that this year will be more interesting more and more. eventhough that I might facing big challenge ssoon  i hope that I strong enough to survive.

You know that, Ive always in situation when Im with my friend, and we meet new people, that new people never interested in my but like my other friend instead. something I thought mybe iam not cute enough. maybe iam not friendly enough, maybe im not that lively, i dont know. I dont know how to create my first appearance in peoples first impression.

Her name is Saisai. She said if I want to visit china, we can meet there and gimme some tour. Oh lord, Im glad. at least ade jugak org interested with my behaviour. wuwuwuwuw. im sound so pathetic arent I.now now, since when my self-esteem fell this low huh?  

There was a time when many people said that I have high confident  level in myself. why? because i can speak clearly infront of people, Im not a stage fright. I shout my opinion outloud, my presentation full of confident because I can speak english loudly eventhou my grammar is poor. I can smile happily I can answer people's question confidently. Now, there's nothin like that  because I gain my weight. kait sangat -_- . dunno why. but Iam not who Iam. dah, titik. 

Now, Iam hafizah that has moderate confident level, I can stuck and freeze infront of people sometimes, I can cry if get scold or cannot answer question during presentation. I become fragile. I became more cautious when I speak my mind. I put more lying and comfort through my words and most of the time, I choose to keep silence. Then I realized that I grow less haters. ha ha ha 

why. 

because as i'm growing older, life isn't easy as before. I have to take responsibility for my words.  I became coward. I became puppet, my voice stuck in my throat, and its burning feel like my lung going to explode whenever situation happens. I became weak when I'am with my friends, that feeling you want to keep your relationship good, dont want to scratch her heart. dont want to make them "terasa". yeah . that sorts of things yang membuatkan kdg2 kita jadi lemah. Some people said, you will grow weak when you fallin love.  and people who love the most will hurt the most.  yada ...yada. . . we knew it already, yet we neglected it. we keep changing it that love make us strong. love keep us motivated. we keep this lies forever , we keep consoling our own heart that love gonna make us stronger. yet. look at the mirror and ask our self. is that true? 

Wait. dont get me wrong. I dont against the idea that Love make us stronger and give motivations and bla bla. because I witnessed with my own eyes that people suffered. by that time  people said "that's not love lah. love doesnt make us suffer." click. now tell me what is ye definition of love. that answer lies in every heart, and it doesn't applied to others heart. only we knew what we knew. only we feel what we felt. 

Actually, how I wish to have my confidence back. But sometimes being so strong and out loud makes you feels lonely, hey, have you heard this? people who are strong will always feels lonely. how come they feel lonely when they are strong? Life sure complicated but you wont feel  so lonely if you have good companions with you. 

sedar tak sedar. tinggal lagi 3 minggu nakhabis intern. and my post shall stop until then, coz I will get back to my Instgram and twitter. so. TTYL. 

worth double taps post

Dont let me go by click five *playing*

here is the trick to write an emotional post without being distracted. Listen to the most sentimental music, and keep it replying . play until u finish writing. and surprisingly,  you wouldnt notice how many times the song playss

Its been a while since Ive updated my last photos on instagram and facebook, and even twitter. and you know what, im going to abandon it  for a while , just to keep my mind away.

Never thought that it would give me such deep reminder upon myself. My perspective changed when I saw photos of my friends. I promised to myself that I will stop uploading anything at social networks, and here I come back, but blogger as exceptional I guess. What have change? I saw that world with different perception. People talk about themselve, talk about their pleasure, their happiness , the moment they dont want to forget, But somehow, it feel so lonely, picture and those captions makes me so lonely. I dont think that I would feel so lonely, mybe my life not as fun as them, mybe my money not much as them, mybe my outfit not nice as them. I want to have it all. friends, moments, beauty. I just couldnt figure it out

Until I realized that I cant have it, I just can imagine it, just can dream it, and it felt so lonely. Because I want something that people have. and I knew I couldnt afford it. Then, I reflected my life. my self. I also have life, but my life is not fun because I dont show it to people, I want people to see, I want people to know that Im happy and my life is worth-watching. scrolling and double taps.

To be honest. That what I felt right after I stopped uploading photos online. It is not wrong. Nothing wrong with uploading photos, sharing moments and all these, nothing wrong. What's wrong, is me. But these photos that Ive keep without uploading anywhere could have been extra sentimental. Why, because it left without descriptions. I know someday it will bring me back to those moments whenever I see the pictures. Because people will forget and the memory will bring them back. even if I dont remember it anymore, that picture will tell me the stories.

Mom once said "kalau pergi shopping mall mesti nak shopping. baik tak payah pergi".

that one line give me principles in my life. Kalau asyik tengok gambar orang lepastu jeles2, baik tak payah tengok. if you couldnt handle yourself, then keep away. Manusia ni 1001 mcm2 perangai, so kita tak tahu apa yang org fikir bila kita tunjuk kebahagiaan kita. Lagi2 org2 saiko mcm aku ni, ha. tengok emosi je post pasal upload gambo saje.

haha, Trust me, I will come back soon, upload everything again.

let me tell you a secret, my mr Kazeya is a person who wouldnt go online. he rarely upload picture of him. or anything. So, he left myterious. I hate it, but I cant help it,  because I dont know what happen to him,  so I have nothing to feel and my mind keep playing all moments when  I met him last time. Funny though, This kazehaya will remain secret and no one will ever heard anything about him from me. 

You know what amazing about human? memories. someone lies in some other memories. Memories is like supernatural power that come with emotional feelings and thousand layers of moving pictures and sounds. Some people could replay it clearly even after decades passes. no matter it for good or bad memories. Somehow i surprised myself that I could remember kazehaya clearly. and he doesnt know how my memories still replying. But that part of memories, people choose what they want to remember, and somehow the couldnt erase it. and when they want to remember it, it already disappear. Memories is gift from Allah.  

Lagi setengah bulan nak hujung tahun. Only if I can count blessing that Allah gave, Only if I can repent my countless sins, Only if I could say that Ive tried my best to survive. Only if I can avoided any mistakes. Only if I try my best to take care of my heart, Only if  I can count how many time I spend my time remembering Allah.  Allah gave so much rezeki and blessing,yet I still couldnt call myself hamba yang bersyukur.  

 

Bleary-heart

Today,is approximately 54 days before end of my internship. and 30 days minus all the holidays and weekends. Hence, I've only 1 month left , working day. After spending 3month and 2weeks for this program of course so much thing have changed. Even for myself, there's so many part that ive realized that ive changed. 

You know, people tend to difficult to discover themselves whenever they started to change. They just might think we still all the same, other people is changing.Somepeople said, whenever they don't treat you like before because you didn't acted as they want. in other words, you've changed. Its hard to admit. and im sick talking about changing,change, different all the times. tuih.

If you really want to be who you want to be, then be it. Don't wait until people tell you changing or you are different. such a waste of time if you'd let people control over your life. your mind and soul. Frankly speak, always been a difficult task to avoid people's voice and influences , maybe our nature always want us to prove to everyone that we're good. I mean, we are ourself. But we end up wasting so much time to be people they want us to be.  The truth is, people keep changing, if we didn't change means that we dont move forward. We keep changing, we keep renew our thought, we just need to decide, either its for good or reverse. 

Gezz, I don't intend to post something about slice of life motivations. It just that I started to think what im going to do after this. I mean, yes it was like a dream that you got best place for work, livng with your friend and had an independent life, but I'd realized that this moment wont last. We have to move forward (talking about something to move, remember about kazehaya ...kun).  Sometimes I feel that Iam lost at comfort zone that I dont want to move forward or backward. I want to freeze the time, yes, and no I want to make this moment forever. but I know that perhaps something in front, something far away are waiting for me, my future is waiting for me. god and His plan. 

Before we decided to live alone, I thought we want different experiences from anyone else, we've got no allowance since beginning, we have to pay rent every month, pay the bills, carefully plan our expanses . and have to go to work every morning, wake up with responsible within our shoulder, have a good working with your coworker, and end our internship program with flying colors, so much till we didn't think about how hard experiences this could be. and with a blink of the eye, we're now almost at the semi final battle. and the real battle is final year project. But life isn't just about this battle. But I think, for my role, that should be enough for this alone, I shouldn't have more battle  , I might pass out if I did it. well, not everyone will pass out. Im just not ready. I hope u will understand what I meant by 'more battle'. along the way. 

I would care if people told me that im just avoiding it and creating more excuses. because yes I am. well this case started since im already in it. or I would say I born with it. somewhere that not many people live with. and some people continue, and some people like me dont. even I have to block my friends and disappear I wouldn't have any regret. coz i already regret everything until now and I will feel more regret if I come back . Eventhou some of them not giving up to pull myself together by knowing my background, Sometime its the best if you live with people who doesnt care even a slightest about your family background or yourself before, who dont give a damn about what you're doing, and dont even care if you do what you want. Just be with me whoever Iam and whenever I go, always give positive support and tell me what's right and wrong. 

Dont expect me for more, Im tired to live up people's expectation. I'm sorry if Iam not the person who I was before or a person you thought I'll be.  I'm sorry if I changed.  but you dont have to stay.

call me sensitive, and I call we're done.

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He WAS there

"holding an interest is just like falling in love with someone, you know, its a feeling that does nothing but moves your heart when you meet it by chance, its useless if you don't treasure it" - NRanime

There was a time, I feel like want to disappear from this world. I don't want people to see me, to know me and talk to me. there is one people I want to avoid. him.

Orang kata, kehadiran seseorang itu dalam hidup kita, bersebab. ada hikmahNya. I kinda believe it. sort of. lagi lagi kalau orang tu datang dalam hidup kau, dan turn hidup kau out side down and make it like 360 perubahan dalam diri kau.

But that's not the point here. there is person that I hate the most. she. the one who almost ruined my life. Kalau aku buka cerita, there'll be no ending. selagi dia hidup, selagi itu dia akan rosakkan hidup aku. that's why I hate him. She is my step sister.Abah was married again after umi left us. it just about a month. I always convincing myself, that Abah will be left alone if he dont remarried. itu Abah punya hal lah. aku takde tanggungjawab untuk uruskan hidup abah. The day I lost Umi was the day I couldn't think about continuing to live. I abandoned my studies. also my siblings. aku ada 3 orang adik beradik. Along, kakngah. dan aku. cukup aku ada kakak dan abang, tiba2 aku dapat kakak tiri, which is sama baya dengan aku dan aku tak tahu kepada aku panggil dia kakk tiri instead of adik tiri, that was my abah's idea.

The moment she step in the house, she already make a fuss.

"mama, kita nk stay sini ke? keciknya rumah ni, buruk," itu welcoming words from her. I was listening from 2nd floor. that time Abah in the kitchen. aku turun tangga nak sambut dia. walaupun aku rasa aku macam nak tampar muka dia. When our eyes meet, She smirk.

"thank god, she wasnt that pretty." she said. while smirking of course. chewing that bloody chewing gum.

"assalamualaikum " aku hulur tangan salam kat mak tiri aku. she's kind. shake my hand and touch my head. I almost cried, because it really resemble umi bila nak cium salam tangan umi. but that's it. remember umi so much cant make my self any better .

"Mana abah?" soal dia.

"dapur" aku jawab terus nak naik atas.

"eh, Kay, tolong bawak Hanisah naik atas, bilik dia." said her. I was stunned. Where she gonna stay actually? not in my room of course. aku diam sekejap.

"oh, dah sampai. ha, Kay, bawak Nisah pergi bilik Kak Ngah." abah muncul dari dapur, pakai apron.

I smiled. abah tak pernah masak masa umi ada. seingat aku berapa kali je, jarang. exactly like in drama.

"jom." aku ajak Hanisah. what should I call her again? nah. nevermind.

one year before umi's death, I never expect our family will become like this. who knows when tiba2 kau dapat mak tiri and kakak tiri. in drama. I hate drama.


"ni bilik kakNgah" I said. dia campak beg dia. aku letak bagasi dia yang aku tolong angkat tadi.

"wey. kau tak kemas ke bilik ni? asal barang kakak kau ada lagi kat sini?" soal Hanisah. aku terus keluar , tutup pintu.

kalau Kakngah tahu, what will she do? I never want to imagine that, she had no idea how scary kakNgah can be. there was a time bila aku masuk bilik kakngah ambil dia punya kaler pensil, end up dia koyakkan drawing aku, and said. "if you dare touch my things without my permission, aku akan koyak muka kau mcm lukisan ni." when I was 5 years old, I didn't cry. because I was wrong. and she has right to do that. well. sejak daripada haritu aku tak berani sentuh barang kakNgah.


The next day. aku prepare breakfast. nasi goreng. enough for 4 people. Abah turun.

"harini pergi sekolah dengan Nisah, dia satu sekolah dengan Kay. harap satu kelas lah." Abah said. My hand stopped from serving abah nasi goreng. another disaster. I didnt answer, like usual.

abah tak tanya apa pendapat aku pasal mak baru. kakak baru. abah will never ask his children opinion. masa umi ada dulu pun sama. bila dia said A, A lah bila B, B lah.

Aku pergi sekolah naik bus, that time aku cakap kat pakcik bus, yang nisah akan follow skali. first memang Nisah hesitate untuk naik bus, tak suka, nak naik kereta. since she can drive , Idk lah mana dia belajar. but she want to drive but abah wont allowed her. even kereta mak dia.

"bapak kau memang bodoh kan. biarlah aku nak bawak kereta, bukan kereta dia pun." She said. I was reading economics notes. I just ignore her. eventhou she already spoiled my morning.

pagi tu aku bawak dia pergi ofis cikgu, lepastu aku tinggal dia. pandai2 lah dia nak bawak diri, takde kaitan dengan aku.

"Selamat pagi Kay." he smiled. aku duduk tempat aku.

He is really bright person. He is. I admit it. orang kata dia lah paling ramai orang minat. crush! one sided love. panggil dia husband dan macam macam lagi. orang dah siap ;cop; dia. Idk what's good about him, selain daripada rupa dia. a'ah. one thing that Im sure about him, he is very good looking person. handsome , baik rupa paras. Eye candy pun. Tapi satu benda yang aku tak suka pasal dia. senyuman dia. aku paling benci manusia yang senyum kat aku tanpa sebab. that's why I hate him

"kay, aku nampak kau dtg dengan budak baru. siapa dia?" soal dia. aku pasang earphone masuk dalam tudung.

"weh. mp3 prohibited lah. "  then, I wasn't hear anything after fireflies song by new old city start.

Hari hari yang aku lalui, aku rasa macam aku dah takde purposed untuk hidup. eventhou umi selalu pesan , hidup ni kena teruskan walaupun gelap mana sekali pun jalan kita. for me, Umi is the light. and the dark. and the road. Without umi, Im lost. aku dalam gelap yang gelap aku tak rasa diri aku sendiri.

that day. Nisah diperkenalkan as satu class dengan aku. dia tak cakap apa2 pasal hubungan kami. she was pretty popular. sebab dia cantik. tinggi.  but nobody knows that she had devil hiding inside herself. dia cepat adapt , budak2 lelaki dah start borak2 dengan dia. even budak perempuan sekali pun. I just dont mind. that's good for her.

"Kay! Kay!!!" jerit that guy. I wasnt listening of course. Umair duduk depan meja aku. forgot to mention. his name is Umair. Umair al khawarizmi.

"tak lunch lagi harini? seriously tak elok skip lunch everyday. " Said Umair. dia bukak roti, makan depan aku. I was not pay attention to him, aku buka buku seksi ovari.

believe me, hari hari macam ni, Umair never give up talk to me and make me talk to him every day. every single day. ada masa lapang je memang dia akan datang kat aku. kadang2 dia leave note atas meja dan bawah meja everyday. just want me to smile. seriously, I forgot how to smile bila umi tiada. its really hard even to lift my lips. The reason why I hate Umair so much is because he acted like he understand me while he's not. he acted like he knew my feelings and my sadness eventhou he's not.

tinggalkan nota hari hari

"aku nak kau senyum harini, sekali je. "

"harini jom lunch sekali. "

kadang2 dia tinggalkan roti sekali dengan notes suruh aku makan.

aku tak faham kenapa Umair so buzy body.


"boleh tahan rapat kau dengan Umair." Hanisah said to me. I didnt respond anything.

"wey, kau ada no telefon dia?" soal Hanisah lagi. aku diam saja.

BUK!!. dia tolak aku ke jalan raya. aku jatuh daripada bustop punya divider. seksi ovari dah kena langgar kereta. that moment I just have single thought. maybe I just should die.

aku kutip buku, dan berdiri tunggu kereta datang. Bulat mata Hanisah.

"wey. bahaya lah gile.. weyyyy!!!" Hanisah jerit. bila kereta proton Iswara makin dekat dengan aku. In a single blink, Hanisah tarik tangan aku. yes , aku selamat.

"kau gila ke? kau nak mampos ke ha? budak gilaa!!" Hanisah tercungap2 , beberapa kali dia tolak kepala aku, dan cakap aku "gila" "gila" "bodoh" dan "nak mampus" .

Actually, this is not my first time attempting suicide. and each time. failed. mungkin akan datang.


kat rumah, Hanisah mengadu pada abah yang aku tercegat tengah jalan nak tunggu kereta langgar. Abah diam, then abah said.

"nak mati, mati jelah. pergi ikut mak kau." I wasnt shocked.

"ntah. nak mati pergi mati lah." sambung Hanisah. after habis jemur baju. aku terus masuk bilik.

aku terkejut tengok Hanisah dalam bilik aku. sambil pegang frame gambar aku dan umi berdua .

"sian, mak kau dah takde kan. agaknya sebab tu kau nak mati, pergi ikut mak kau." ujar dia. kemudian terus keluar bila aku tak respon apa apa. Tak sangka 17 tahun hidup, akhirnya aku jumpa manusia macam dia.


Haritu aku pergi sekolah macam biasa. tiba2 pagi2 tu ada berita tergempar yang pihak sekolah aku buat spotcek. aku tak tahu sebab apa. tapi semua pelajar kena berdiri di luar kelas. tiba di kelas aku. cikgu terus ishtihar spot cek habis, dan cikgu buat pengumuman dalam class.

"sebenarnya kita buat spot cek ni sebab duit sukan sekolah hilang semalam, atas meja cikgu Bahar. " ujar cikgu Salman, masing2 terkejut. bising class.

"tapi kita dah jumpa. ni." cikgu tunjuk sampul surat , tebal. tak tahu berapa ribu dalam tu.

"Kay, ikut cikgu pergi bilik guru sekarang." cikgu Salman terus keluar. aku tak salah dengar bila cikgu salman sebut nama Kay. satu class pandang aku.

aku dibawa ke bilik mesyurat , cikgu2 berkumpul dalam tu, aku kena duduk tengah2 meja meeting, soalan bertubi2 di tujukan kepada aku, tanya kenapa sampul duit tu ada bawah meja aku. aku nak buat apa dengan duit itu, dan macam mana aku boleh dapat duit tu dan bila masa aku ambil dari atas meja Cikgu Bahar. Aku terkedu. suara aku tak keluar untuk defend diri aku sendiri. tak tahu kenapa aku memilih untuk diam.

"kalau awak tak jawab kay. kami assume memang awak curi duit sukan ni. say something.!"

"dah terang lagi bersuluh, memang sah lah dia yang curi"

"apa reason awak kay? awak ada masalah keluarga ke?"

I was restraining my self from crying. Umi kena tanam pun aku tak menangis. in this shit situation mustahil aku akan menangis.

"saya tak tahu envelop tu ada bawah meja saya." aku berjaya jawab. perbincangan menjadi hangat,

pihak sekolah call abah. dan akhirnya buat keputusan untuk gantung seminggu aku. dan sekolah sendiri bertindak untuk merahsiakan kes ni.

aku balik class. duduk atas meja aku perasan ada satu tulisan guna liquid paper tulis "pencuri" mata2 yang memandang aku memang pandangan aku seorang pencuri.

"Kay. apa berlaku. mcm mana envelop tu ada bawah meja kau?" soal Umair.

"dorg cakap apa? apa tindakan. Kay kau tak curi kan?" soal Umair. Lagi.

"Kay. Kay...jawab aku. jawabbbb supaya aku boleh tolong kau. " Kata Umair . Lagi.

masing2 dah keluar waktu rehat.

"Umair. jom" Hanisah panggil. idk since when dorg ada relationship untuk makan lunch sama2. Umair probably tired ajak aku lunch tp aku tak pernah respond.

"Umair..." Hanisah tarik tangan Umair. Umair tempis. aku bangun. terus jalan keluar class.

"Kay!" aku dengar Umair panggil aku.


I was sitting alone at benches behind school toilet. I clamp together my hand. look at the sky.

Tuhan, berapa lama lagi Kau akan seksa aku? Berapa lama lagi Kau nak aku hidup? Berapa lama lagi aku akan jumpa umi? Tuhan, apa lagi yang tinggal untuk aku kat dunia ni?

I dont believe God so cruel, because He lend me Umi, even for a while. when He take her back, aku ibarat paru2 yang di hentikan pernafasan.

"PAP!" Abah tampar aku buat kali ketiga. aku dapat rasa muka aku makin memanas. dan berdenyut. tiba tiba mata aku kabur pandangan aku kabur. Gelap.


Aku buka mata, perasaan takut tiba tiba muncul. aku dalam bilik hospital. abah is crying. wait. why. aku nampak diri aku sendiri atas katil terbaring pucat. Umair was there, Along, kakngah and Hanisah, everyone is here. aku ketawa. aku mimpi mungkin. aku ketawa lagi. dan lagi.

aku dah mati ke?

everybody is crying , termasuk Hanisah. people said , kematian itu memberi peringatan. aku terduduk melutut.

tiba tiba aku aku berada di sekolah. Aku nampak Hanisah letak sesuatu bawah meja aku.

aku nampak Umair bercakap dengan cikgu. tapi aku tak dengar pasal apa.

aku nampak budak2 class aku treat meja aku macam meja hantu.

tiba2 semua kenangan aku dan umi bermain2 di depan mata aku. Umi jalan datang jumpa aku.
usap kepala aku.

"Kay. umi tak tenang selagi Kay tak doakan umi. Umi nak Kay happy. Umi nak Kay teruskan hidupkan mcm semasa umi ada. Kay. Umi tak pernah harapkan Kay apa apa. cukuplah Kay jadi anak umi, Kay doakan umi. Kay jadi anak solehah. Kay sabar sikit dengan perangai abah. Kay cuba belajar rajin2 jadi manusia yang berguna. Kay. jangan lupa. Allah ada disisi kita. Allah ada dekat dengan Kay. buka mata, lihat sekeliling manusia yang ambil berat pasal Kay. Kay satu2nya anak umi yang sayang umi, ....."


umi hilang. umi belum habis cakap. aku tak mampu nak menjawab. aku tak boleh buka mulut.

Abah cerita,jantung aku dah tak berdegup, tiba2 lepas aku pengsan di rumah. badan aku dah sejuk. abah cepat2 bawak aku pergi hospital. Doktor dah hampir nak umumkan masa kematian aku. tiba2 aku bangun seperti orang yang baru terjaga dari lemas. aku terbatuk2 menangis2. abah peluk aku. semua terkejut. even termasuk doktor2 yang ada. smua terkejut aku tiba2 bangun balik.

Abah picit2 tangan aku. lengan aku. usap2 muka aku. dan berulang kali sebut perkataan yang abah tak pernah sebut selama ni "maaf" berulangkali abah sebut.

sejak kejadian haritu, smua orang berubah. termasuk Hanisah , along dan kakngah. abah pun sama. masing2 layan aku lain. dan hubungan kami sekeluarga makin rapat. teringat saat aku jumpa umi masa nyawa aku dah nak kena tarik. ayat ayat umi beri peringatan kepada aku.

Aku ke sekolah selepas seminggu kena gantung. abah cuba explain pada pihak sekolah yang bukan aku yang ambil duit tu. sebaliknya Hanisah. dia mengaku . dia letak bawah meja aku.

Umair. I must thank that person. aku nampak dia sorg saja yang bukan famili aku datang masa aku kat hospital. tunggu. aku tunggu Umair dtng pagi tu. biasanya dia awal. biasanya dia hari2 sebut selamat pagi pada aku.

"welcome back Kay." ujar Bella. budak class aku. class hampir bermula. perhimpunan pun dah habis.

"bella. nampak Umair tak?" soal aku.

"Umair,? umair mana?" soal Bella. bulat mata aku.

"Umair Al-khawarizmi lah. budak class kita. yang selalu cakap dengan aku." Bella geleng2. terus pergi dari aku.

"Nisah. nampak Umair tak?" soal aku. Hanisah jeling aku.

"Umair mana pulak ni?" soal dia. aku terlopong.

"Umair, haritu kau keluar lunch dengan dia."  ujar aku. aku pandang tempat Umair.

"tu yg duduk situ." tambah aku lagi. Muka Hanisah berkerut.

"mana ada org nama Umair kelas ni. kau dah gila ke apa nampak hantu ke?" soal Hanisah. Aku terdiam.

puas aku cari Umair satu sekolah. memang takde org pun kenal Umair daripada class aku.

aku menuju ke class 5b, Alya. Alya mesti tahu, Alya kawan dengan aku since aku darjah 1 dan Umair, dia childhood friend aku.

"Alya!" Alya terkejut bila aku datang jumpa dia. Alya kata dah lama dia tak nampak aku , dah lama aku tak cakap dengan dia. since umi meninggal memang kami dah stop bercakap.

"Alya. kau ingat tak Umair." Alya mengangguk.

"ingat. yang selalu dengan kau dulu kann,kenapa? " soal Alya pelik.

"ha.. kau tahukan dia class dengan aku. kau ada nampak dia tak.?" soal aku. Umair. I need to thank him.

"Kay.. kau bergurau ke?" soal Alya. hairan.

"kenapa? serious lah. memang lah aku satu class ngan dia, tapi aku tanya org lain semuorg ckp tak kenal Umair. pelik gilaaa..aku rasa semuorg nak pekena aku ni sbb aku sminggu cuti." ujar aku.

"Umair dah lama meninggal kay,jangan main2 dengan org yg dah takde boleh takkkk??!!!" Alya grip bahu aku. Aku tergamam. terkedu.

"Umair meninggal dua tahun lepas, dah lama dah. kau pahal nihhhh." Ujar Alya lagi. Aku terdiam, tanpa sedar air mata aku menitis. hangat. air mata sangat suam, buat hati kau sakit. buat hati kau berdegup2 laju. dalam masa yang sama bagi perasaan yang tak dapat kau rasa waktu lain.

Alya dakap aku.

"its okay. its okay..." dia usap2 belakang aku. tangisan aku makin esak.

Masa dalam bilik hospital tu, Umair sorg saja yang pandang aku di belakang. bukan di atas katil.