Comeback post : Solat Aku.

Madrasah solat untuk pendosa. Benar kata mereka, Solat itu mencegah kemungkaran. Mencegah, tak mungkin kau tidak melakukannya walaupun sekusyuk mana solat engkau. Jika manusia itu barat laluan penuh berliku lara , Quran itu seperti kompasnya, dan solat itu umpama alatan untuk kau ikhtiar hidup. Saat kau dah takdak apa dah, Solat itu yang akan selamatkan kau. Seperti Allah bilang, benda pertama sekali akan di tarik adalah solat kau. Baik solat kau, baiklah pengakhiran kau.

Tapi, aku bukan nak sembang pasal baik or tak baik solat kau. Aku nak share macam mana Madrasah solat ajar aku jadi aku. aku tak baik, aku tak solehah, tapi, seakan aku rasa solat itu yang bawa aku balik dan kembali kepada Dia, Saat aku paling dekat dengan Dia ialah waktu solat.

Solat tu reflek hati kau. Masa hati kau tengah lalai, masa hati kau tengah seronok keluar jenjalan, solat semata2 sebab kena solat dan puff, habis mcm tu je. Solat kau hanya untuk tunaikan kewajipan. Itu bagi aku selemah, lemah solat. Ada lagi, solat yang kau buat tanpa kau rasa apa. Kau tengah layan movie, solat pun di akhir waktu, dan alar kadar. Sudah lah lambat, hamparan pun kurang, bacaan pun tungganglanggang, itu belum lagi cek bacaan Alfatihah yang belum tentu benar kau baca dari masa kau kecil sampai sekarang,

Jika hati kau lalai, solat tu macam tu. Dia ibarat cerminan hati kau. Tapi, seandainya kau rasa kau dh byk sngt buat dosa, bila kau angkat takbir tu, kau akan rasa kau hendak/mahu solat dengan khusyuk. Itu satu rezeki. Rezeki tuhan bagi kau untuk perbaiki solat kau. Solat yang baik untuk orang mcm aku, bagi aku setiap kali kau solat, kau berusaha untuk khusyuk, tiap kali dahi cecah lantai, kau akan rasa kebesaran tuhan. lagi besar dari masalah yang kau tengah hadap sekarang Tuhan bagi bacaan "Subhana Rabbiyal 'Ala, wabihamdihi" Bermaksud, Maha suci Allah, yang maha Tinggi, Besar, dan Agung. Itu yang kita sebut. tapi tak pernah nak rasa kat hati. tak pernah sampai, Paling teruk aku pernah buat, Aku baca sekali je. tak sempat habuk lekat kat dahi pun.

Pernah tak kau rasa setiap kali kau solat, badan kau rasa panas dan menggeletar?. Tak pernah, aku pernah rasa, tapi aku tak faham kenapa. Aku cuba anggap, kau mungkin tak rasa, tapi badan kau, tubuh badan anggota kau rasa kau sedang nak menghadap Allah. Pernah kau rasa kau nak angkat takbir, sebut kebesaran Allah time tu kau sebak? Tak pernah, tapi, hati kau sebak, sbb hati kau masih rasa, tapi kau yang tak rasa. Antara kau dan hati kau ada selaput keras. Kadang air mata kau turun tanpa rasa sedih dan pedih, sebab hati kau yang pedih, diri kau yang pedih. Kau nangis for no reason, kau hairan. Sedangkan hati kau berbisik, Kembalilah kepada Dia walau apa pun jadi. Walau seteruk mana dan jauhnya dosa kau.

Kadang kau tak rasa kau dlm belenggu dosa. Tapi, setiap hari yang kau lalui, dunia je yg ada, Tuhan ada sipi-sipi, celah celah. Sedangkan segala benda rezeki, kasih sayang, dan ilmu dan kerjaya2 yg kau try settlekan sendiri tu, tuhan yang bagi kau daya untuk siapkan. Nanti bila kau sakit, kau dah rasa xboleh nak angkat badan pun, time tu baru kau rasa, kau sbnrnya takde daya. Allah kalau nak tarik. kejap je. Saat tu, apa yg kau boleh buat , Solat dan Doa saja. ikhtiar ubatan tu lain lah. Tapi, kalau kau fikir kau kena kembali kepada tuhan selepas apa yang terjadi, ketahuilah kau bertuah, Tuhan izinkan hati kau kembali kepadaNya. Tuhan izinkan, nampakkan kau, tunjukkan kau jalan kembali kepadaNya. Ada orang, tuhan tutup jalan, tuhan tak kasi hati tenang, tuhan kasi kau resah gelisah dibelenggu masalah, tuhan tutup jalan pulang, sebab hati kau, Dia yang pegang. Maka bersyukurlah.

Aku bila sedar balik masa aku dh lama tinggal solat, (sbb period) then aku start solat balik, solat aku jadi kurang kadar. bukan ala kadar. Mungkin sbb mmg dosa sang hawa waktu period adalah berdosa dan kotor. nak sucikan balik tu mcm takes time, kalau skjap 5 hari takpe , aku kadang 10 hari. Bila selepas sehari dua, aku dpt kekuatan untuk cuba kusyuk dan dapatkan balik feel solat tu, menangis tak tertahan kadang2 sebab bersyukur Allah buka pintu hati ntuk aku cari kekusyukan dan cari kebesaranNya dalam solat tu. Seadainya Allah terus biarkan aku solat dlm keadaan lalai sampai bila bila anggota ,hati aku dlm keadaan tersiksa, tp aku tak tahu. Sebab tu hati tu milik dia , saat kau dah dapat rasa tu, kau doa sungguh2 biar Allah jaga. biar Allah ingatkan LAGI jika kau LALAI. ingatkan LAGI, panggil kau LAGI. Tak mungkin kau dlm keadaan ingatnya sentiasa. sebab kalau ya. Hati kau dan mata kau meleleh all the time. fikir lagi betapa rezeki yg dia berikan. despite ujian yg kau sendiri cari pasal kadang2, Peluang yang Allah berikan tu beyond fikiran kau.

Rezeki yg paling kau kena bersyukur adalah rezeki kau dibenarkan untuk sujud dan ruku' kepadaNya. 5 solat waktu wajib yg kau tegak berdiri mbaca ayat yang kau separa faham tu, yang tu lah Allah kira, pandang dalam seharian hari kau. lalai mcm mana pun, Tapi bila kau set up your self, niat and mind untuk jumpa Dia. Dia ready. cuma kau. apa yg sepenuhnya attention kau boleh bagi?

Entahlah, bagi aku, selagi kau ada peluang untuk angkat takbir, angkat lah sepenuh hati dan jiwa. masa tu baca "ya Allah, kluarkan hal2 dunia dari hati dan kepala aku, aku serahkan segala urusan dunia kepadaMu." settle. tak kurang 5 minit. sekejap, biar sekejap tapi berkualiti. Waktu kita dgn Allah. mmg selalu, tapi, itu paling specific, apa ada dalam hati kau tu lah refleksi solat kau. Selagi masih mampu perbaiki, setiap solat perbaiki niat, setiap solat  perbaiki hati dan perbaiki khusyuk mengadap tuhan.

Lama dah tak menulis, tapi entah kenapa aku rasa terpannggil nak tulis. Jika aku mati satu hari nanti, kalau kau perbaiki solat kau sebab baca post aku. aku harap adalah part aku mengalir dan selamatkan aku dari siksa kubur. Amin. Aku doa sapa yang tengah resah hati gelisah tu, balik kpd Allah, sama sama aku doa kau dapat ketenteraman jiwa. Ya ssalam. Amin...

The crossroad

Today I wrote a song about the crossroad.
and I think I'm going to stuck at the crossroad forever.
That is where my heart fell for you.
The crossroad that always busy, connected me to you.
We walked side by side, but I decided to walk fast and leave you.
But it turned out, I was wrong, the car still chasing each other
without giving any chance to me to cross,
You came out from my back, and push me closed to you.
I was shocked, and you said.
"Maybe this is your first time crossing here, but there is the zebra line"
He showed me that crossing line. Dragged me, nope, he dragged by
by his body, I cant understand the situation well,
you just came and suddenly you walked in front of me, dragged me with you.
I just can't read the situation. too confusing,
You just dragged me into your life, you didnt realized that dont you?

So Im just gonna stuck here, until someone else fetch me. bring me with em.
thank you for leaving me alone.

I dare to change.

Hey, long time no update.

Since I decided to change my life path, and yes, my path completely changed. LOTS of things happened since then. 

After living in depression almost for 3 months. Aku decide untuk sambung master, dengan harapan aku boleh ubah cara hidup aku waktu tu. Skrg ni, apa masalahnya? Why is so depressing?

WAR-King

First, kerja yang aku kerja, tak kena dengan jiwa, working as graphic designer is really not my thing. Plus, Employer really killed my talent and soul with lack of management and bad attitude. I still can tolerate if people give me lots of job, I can handle that, only if you give me a proper SOP or instruction. They way he treated me, mcm aku dah tahu semua benda since dia guna terms "demanding", yes, He said, and my co-worker also labeled me as "budak demand". WHY?

After having 2times interview, 1st handle with graphic, 2nd interview I rushed back from KL, (since still working as Research Assistant) , and he asked me to do the 3Ds, I measure the kedai printing, and buat 3D and yeah,including interior and wallpaper  (I changed so many times.). They dont have any software and asked me to download it, but I cant and I RUSH BACK HOME AND TOOK MY LAPTOP .... gigih nak mati,  I should start at September 2016, but I requested to delay my admission to October 2017, and He asked me why they need to wait for me,

I said, "depends, If you cant wait, then cari lah someone else" , I know some company would feel macam alamak susah lah nak panggil budak interview lagi., and he KEEP saying like, company dia berpuluh2 budak mintak kerja. ramai orang bla..blaa sanggup datang dari jauh like the hell I care. 

I didnt write this masa kerja 3 bulan tu sebab Iam afraid Iam too emotional to write about this, and yeah, my previous post said to the future me,

  "never forget this pain"

So I learn to appreciate everything in front of me now, learn not to complaint and give up.

I sent my letter of resignation 2 weeks before I sign out for the job, At that moment, ive decided to join Master no matter what. So I registered UITM CourseWork. , I attended the interview eventhough my dad against the idea, because he said even if I pass this interview I still can't go. (The money Issue) oh well.

Fakulti Seni Reka Shah Alam

Naik KL with bus dengan adik, sewa kereta, tumpang bilik Najurah, drive to UITM shah Alam,Q and waited for interview, that feeling is the best at that moment, The thirst of adventure, the eager feeling to try something new eventho it cost so much at first. I got meet my favourite lecturer from UITM, Dr Bahar. He interviewed me, and mostly amazed with my portfolio. He looks like doubted why I chose this university so he asked me,

I said, Today I came to find an answer. He told me to make the best decision.

After dapat surat tawaran I passed to UITM Shah Alam, in Fakulti Alam Bina, master in Sains Teknologi., I reject and choose IIUM Instead, time tu that is the best decision because I wanna change my life, but actually im not ready for it pun, so I choose the easiest way.

Throw Daisy from my life.

This might sound bit crazy, but sebab ni jugaklah membuatkan aku rasa gloomy gila hidup, I lost my crush after long time long=long long crush , I knew he will get married soon at that moment. LOL,
the moment I heard that news, I was like stumble, and stunned, I honestly never cried for a mere crush, but this for him. I cried, sikit jela berair mata. takde lah beria sangat, sbb aku sangat shock dan tak percaya, dia pergi so soon. I thought I still can spend time with him lah. LOL,but anyway,

Itu belum cerita gaduh dengan abah, gaduh dengan kakak bila duduk rumah, oh btw, tempat kerja ni like 20minutes dari rumah.


MASTER PLAN

Honestly, Iam not really prepared to pursue master, I know nothing. Didnt choose the topic, just because Abah said he will sponsor within 3 years from now kalau siapa2 nak study, sebab he going to retire soon, So I took the opportunity, now! is time to change mylife,

Istikharah adalah sekali dua, not because I didnt trust istikharah, sebab aku sendiri tahu apa yang aku, Aku doa for the best, for the best for me for the best for me, and everybody sekeliling aku. I want a contribution, I want my life changing for better. So , Allah permudahkan aku daftar master, Abah bukak hati support dan lain-lain like abah begi kereta for bisnes sewa kereta, and i got some duit poket from my last paycheck.

Again, I plan to duduk Mahallah, and buat kereta sewa ( to support myself), and plan to expand to dua kereta (InsyaAllah kalau mampu),

After first day registered as Master Student, the next day I flew to Lombok (3 months planning).  I used up my last paycheck to fly.

Lamaran Kheja daripada Senpai

Time berseronok kat Lombok, Senpai bernama irfan foner melamar aku untuk bekerja dengan dia. Dia mintak jumpa dulu meeting macam mana. As a person who baru lepas berhenti kerja yang sangat teruk, merubah kehidupan dan mood. Aku sangat trauma, seriously trauma sekiranya aku akan dapat majikan yang macam sebelum ni, Aku takut aku akan lari lagi daripada hidup aku hidup Master aku, I dont want to ruin it again,

Time tu aku doa for the best,If benda ni bebetul berikan kebaikan untuk aku, permudahkan lah. Aku doa. Permudahkan. Robbi Yassir Wala Tuassir.

So aku jumpa dia dengan niat awal awal im gonna reject this, sebab aku akan buat kereta sewa and jadi research assistant for madam soon,(unsure).

But after that short discussion, Irfan seriously really2 win to convince to work for him. Anyway. So until now AKu kerja dengan beliau. But I told him, that...please dont expect much from me, please and dont let me terkapai-kapai.

and now, Im so grateful that Ive the best team rn, and this part really changed my life. Meet new people, new job, new in everything fresh and brew~ and I plan to live this life for a long time, how long idk. Just pray to Allah,

and I hope my master, My work, my life, my agama, everything akan dirahmati Allah selalu dan orang2 disekeliling aku, aku mendoakankan smoga aku berhadapan dengan positive vibe setiap hari. dan waluapun ada negatif, aku yang masih berterusan positif dan aku percaya pada give and take yang tuhan bagi..

Oh, I learn Japanese Language, T_T 50% up quality of mylife.


Kalau betul nak tukar cara hidup, tukar. dont wait. Get out from the darkness, is our choice!
life always about taking a risk, every decision is a risk, everyday need to scarifies to thing to achieve another thing. I think, it worth waiting for 3 months in darkness, to have a better life, Allah beri peluang untuk belajar.  at least, That;s my way of seeing hikmah. MY WAY!

I tell you what, nak berubah, sumpah susah. Lagi2 bila kau nak berubah kearah kebaikan, atau kau nak cuba sesuatu yang baru lain daripada yang lain yang kau nak buat untuk merubah hidup kau. IT IS DIFFICULT, aku tunggu 3 bulan like 3 years honestly that was the worst 3 months in mylife so far. Buat Keputusan yang salah takpa,tuhan sentiasa beri masa perbaiki, akan tetapi jika kau duduk saja dalam kesalahan itu, bagaimana kau mahu berubah?

Dare to change.

it is your choice.

dont ask me how, explore on your own lah!

Cant wait for next adventure------------------------------------------------->

😲

Ya tuhan,
Apa agaknya yang terjadi pada aku lepasni?
Hidup apa yg aku bakal lalui ?
Bagaimana?
Siapa yang akan aku hidup bersamasama kesusahan ini?
Apa jalan yg akan aku pilih atau jalan yg telah lama engkau sediakan?
Adakah apa yg aku lalui ini mendekatkan aku kepadaMu?  Kalau ya,  aku redha. Kalau tidak ampunkan aku.

At the bottom.

Seriously,  i think i'm at the bottom if my life right now.

I dont know if i can get any lower and below.

But, for now i feel like dying.  Iam dying. Im dying, i could even imagine myself commit suicide. Nauzubillah.

Remember this, this pain. I will never forget. This pain is shit,  lantaklah apa nak kata ujian ke,  better life will come later ker,  or lesson learnt ke,  pegi jalan lah.  Takleh terima dah.

3month dlm hell.idk if the real hell is how hellish is that hell. Ini sikit ada org byk kena, dh jgn compare lagi.

To where she belong

Hati hati dengan apa kita minta dengan Allah. Hati hati bila berdoa. Hati hati bila niatkan sesuatu.  Kerana pabila Allah kabulkan kita tak mampu nk handle consequence yg kita tak jangka.

Kau mintak,  tuhan alihkan pemikiran kau supaya tak fikir masalah,  Allah akan dtgkan kau benda lain yg akan lg membebankan. Alihkan pemikiran kau tak bermaksud benda lagi better dari dulu,  kadang bila lagi berat lagi kau tak nak fikir benda yg kau mintak nak avoid dulu. Faham?.

Tapi takpalah tu urusan kau dgn Allah. Tiap org lain request, dan lain ujian. Walaupun kita tahu sbnrnya Allah dh tahu apa ada dlm hati kita tanpa kita sebut. Oh well,

Harini sblm umi bergerak pegi umrah,  we had a kinda short-deep farewell hugs. Duduk satu rumah jrg jumpa jrg bcakap. So bila umi akan pergi for 2 weeks ni umrah pulak tu,  so yeah.

I cried,  mom actually cried too because when i hugged her i asked her to pray for me,  to be a good daughter,  good person that can bring out everything in me,  and i told her i want to be a great person,  with a great heart and deeds and also i hope that someday ill meet the job that i will love with all my heart.

So, after that mom said

'Tau tak apa abah mintak doa utk korg? '
'Apa? '
'Jodoh'

I was actually shocked,  at the same time sad and dissapointed. Idk why,  tp rasa mcm ive been burned to him since i stayed and kerja kat rumah. I didnt help much. Padahal logic je hari hari parents doakan jodoh utk kita,  but this time it felt different,  sbb mmg ktorg family mana penah ckp pasal jodoh apa smua. Sbb masinh2 diam senyap je.  (Me and my sister).

At this age,  tu je yg aku rasa.  Burden and he wants to send me off.  To another person. Sbb mybe abah dh xleh tanggung aku apa aku nk buat. Aku pulak tak serious nak cari kerja. Kerja sikit dh merungut zaman belajar xyah kiralah tahan je lah mom dad tu.

For the first time in my life, i thought that i dont want to get married forever. Sblm ni xterfikir pun sgt pasal kahwin, family, hidup asing tanggungjwab, bla blaaa (coz i never been serious bout getting married lah). Aku nak stay mcm ni je selamanya. But dad, said that for reasons. Firasat bapak biasalah lah misteri sgt kita tak tahu apa dia fikir. But i hope one day, if abah really wants me to get married, i will tp xtahu lah dgn sapa just for the sake dont want to be burden kat dia.

After dengar pasal doa jodoh tu, aku tekad nk sewa rumah sendiri, cari keje tetap buy car, send money homes, join jemaah. Buat kerja jemaah.  I will just balik sekali sekala hantar buah tangan for mom dad, and shows them that iam fine alone, without abah supports or suami support. Nak jd independant xsemestinya kena kahwin or wte. I dont like the idea.

Tbh, aku belum lg larat nk pikul tgjwb sbg isteri or mak sbb tgjwb sbg ahli jemaah or seorg anak pun aku dh lari jauh. Tak mbantu apa apa. Aku mmg tak berguna. Tak siapa tahu aku graduated dari uiam dgn cemerlang menang byk competition and good cgpa and marks aku klua jd manusia duduk bwh tempurung and jd manusia paling tak berguna pada masyarakat even kepada keluarga sendiri.
Aku benci diri aku sbb aku tak buat apa perubahan. Duduk bilik tak habis2 express pakai berus dan kanvas. Smpai bila duduk bawah bayang crush tak suka aku. Tp aku suka dia so bad and went crazy.

For such a smart person who cant control her feelings and emotion, yeah she actually so dumb and useless.cant even make her own decision, crying all night and hv deep late night thought that would destroy her morning and works.  She thought she cool enough, strong and smart. But she is nothing but an empty shell. She is helpless, and stupid cant think right and every decision looks like a suicide routes.

I just hope one day, she dont hang herself and write 'i quit'  just like in 3 idiots.

Cheer up life.

As i grew older,  i realized that life is getting harder.  Its not getting simple and happy at all. When i thought everything will be okay after i graduated from degree. 

And here i am,  live the life that i cant barely accept the way it is,  live the life that i will never be happy,  i know,  we will never know  until the end of the day. So that means we have to keep living this way?. 

Time. Please wait.  I will change. I will make a new decision,  everytime i fall,  ill stand up and walking again,  i will never turning back. And i will never ever says 'kalau aku still kerja kat sana mesti.... '

Never.  I will leave,  trust me. life never been easy from the very beginning.  Never for me.  Kalau nak hidup senang,  memang takkan dapat,  ada cuma terselit dalam hari hari yg kita lalui hari- hari.

Kalau aku kata aku kerja susah,  tipu.  Aku kerja senang sangat.  Kerja yang simple,  duduk depan pc. Kadang xyah pakai otak. Kadang bodoh ja duduk situ. Then one day i got scolded,  asked me to improve the office,  and give benefit to the office,  jgn asyik main fon ja.

The part of main fon,  yes,  i admit my fault and it only happens once, after i finished my sijil job witch took me about 2weeks straight to finish it, and just that day aku rileks kejap sbb takde job sgt. What kind of improvement that i can make,  bila byk benda aku suggest di diamkan. My enthusiasm gone waste at the beginning of the job, how come that spirit will come again whenever people don't  appreciate.

Oh well,  tak appreciate works tu biasalah. Tp bila dh kata aku tak buat kerja tu aku tak follow up tu dh mcm keterlaluan jugak lah. Me myself,  is the most rajin student ever, self-proclaimed whetever .  But when it comes to buat untuk others,  please have a respect,  you want me to improve this and that,  first improve how do you works with your words.

Ah malas nk cakap banyak,  kalau dh tak suka tu,  it could be anything right?  I hate it. But this is my fate,  coz maybe someday ill say thanks,  coz gimme opportunity and made me realized how important my decision for myself. 😂😂😂😂

So,  dear myself,  dear you and me.

Buatlah keputusan yang terbaik dlm hidup,  dont waste your life,  your time.  Memang kita takkan tauu pun apa keputusan kita tu ok ke tak smpai kita kene hadap kita punya decision. Ask Allah.

Its okay,  we can always give ourself another chance. Give ourself life,  opportunity that our heart want it.
Kadang mmg hidup tak seperti yg kita nak. Mmg tak dapatlah semua benda jadi kan,  the thing is,  kau happy ke tak?

Cari benda yg buat kau happy dan takkan myesal seumur hidup kau.

Trust me.

Duit tu penting,  tapi kau?  Sapa lagi penting. Buat benda yg kau suka. Benda kau nak,  tp jgn buat half-hearted.  And you know,  jalan yg buat kita bahagia tu pun belum tentu jalan yang bahagia.

Dear kazehaya,
I will come to you one day
Holding these daisies.
That will remind us, the hardship
That we gone through,
The fate that we never know.
The love we never taste,
The excuses for us to meet.

I will always pray the Best for you.
And for me and us.
If we're not meant to be, then
I hope i will still be happy,
With Allah's fate. I trust Him.

But maybe if someday
We're meant to be

I will come to you,
To  hear that you love me,
And ask me to marry you,
And i will say
I love you
And
I
Do

Sincerely,  perempuan gatal.