To where she belong

Hati hati dengan apa kita minta dengan Allah. Hati hati bila berdoa. Hati hati bila niatkan sesuatu.  Kerana pabila Allah kabulkan kita tak mampu nk handle consequence yg kita tak jangka.

Kau mintak,  tuhan alihkan pemikiran kau supaya tak fikir masalah,  Allah akan dtgkan kau benda lain yg akan lg membebankan. Alihkan pemikiran kau tak bermaksud benda lagi better dari dulu,  kadang bila lagi berat lagi kau tak nak fikir benda yg kau mintak nak avoid dulu. Faham?.

Tapi takpalah tu urusan kau dgn Allah. Tiap org lain request, dan lain ujian. Walaupun kita tahu sbnrnya Allah dh tahu apa ada dlm hati kita tanpa kita sebut. Oh well,

Harini sblm umi bergerak pegi umrah,  we had a kinda short-deep farewell hugs. Duduk satu rumah jrg jumpa jrg bcakap. So bila umi akan pergi for 2 weeks ni umrah pulak tu,  so yeah.

I cried,  mom actually cried too because when i hugged her i asked her to pray for me,  to be a good daughter,  good person that can bring out everything in me,  and i told her i want to be a great person,  with a great heart and deeds and also i hope that someday ill meet the job that i will love with all my heart.

So, after that mom said

'Tau tak apa abah mintak doa utk korg? '
'Apa? '
'Jodoh'

I was actually shocked,  at the same time sad and dissapointed. Idk why,  tp rasa mcm ive been burned to him since i stayed and kerja kat rumah. I didnt help much. Padahal logic je hari hari parents doakan jodoh utk kita,  but this time it felt different,  sbb mmg ktorg family mana penah ckp pasal jodoh apa smua. Sbb masinh2 diam senyap je.  (Me and my sister).

At this age,  tu je yg aku rasa.  Burden and he wants to send me off.  To another person. Sbb mybe abah dh xleh tanggung aku apa aku nk buat. Aku pulak tak serious nak cari kerja. Kerja sikit dh merungut zaman belajar xyah kiralah tahan je lah mom dad tu.

For the first time in my life, i thought that i dont want to get married forever. Sblm ni xterfikir pun sgt pasal kahwin, family, hidup asing tanggungjwab, bla blaaa (coz i never been serious bout getting married lah). Aku nak stay mcm ni je selamanya. But dad, said that for reasons. Firasat bapak biasalah lah misteri sgt kita tak tahu apa dia fikir. But i hope one day, if abah really wants me to get married, i will tp xtahu lah dgn sapa just for the sake dont want to be burden kat dia.

After dengar pasal doa jodoh tu, aku tekad nk sewa rumah sendiri, cari keje tetap buy car, send money homes, join jemaah. Buat kerja jemaah.  I will just balik sekali sekala hantar buah tangan for mom dad, and shows them that iam fine alone, without abah supports or suami support. Nak jd independant xsemestinya kena kahwin or wte. I dont like the idea.

Tbh, aku belum lg larat nk pikul tgjwb sbg isteri or mak sbb tgjwb sbg ahli jemaah or seorg anak pun aku dh lari jauh. Tak mbantu apa apa. Aku mmg tak berguna. Tak siapa tahu aku graduated dari uiam dgn cemerlang menang byk competition and good cgpa and marks aku klua jd manusia duduk bwh tempurung and jd manusia paling tak berguna pada masyarakat even kepada keluarga sendiri.
Aku benci diri aku sbb aku tak buat apa perubahan. Duduk bilik tak habis2 express pakai berus dan kanvas. Smpai bila duduk bawah bayang crush tak suka aku. Tp aku suka dia so bad and went crazy.

For such a smart person who cant control her feelings and emotion, yeah she actually so dumb and useless.cant even make her own decision, crying all night and hv deep late night thought that would destroy her morning and works.  She thought she cool enough, strong and smart. But she is nothing but an empty shell. She is helpless, and stupid cant think right and every decision looks like a suicide routes.

I just hope one day, she dont hang herself and write 'i quit'  just like in 3 idiots.