.:My Dearest friends:.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

from good-for-nothing girl

Iam now officially 24 years old woman. yelah. 7 January haritu. Some people asked me, what is my wish when Im turned 24. and when the new year coming. Orang2 dah start cakap pasal azam tahun baru dan langsaikan hutang2 azam tahun lepas. Then I realized something new about my self. I want to grow up , I mean, not grow old. Grow old is only numerical. What's the point is, I want to grow up, and catch whatever I can. Grab every chance, Take any risk, choose any roads.

Talking about dreams, when I turned 24, I want to start to make my dream come true, I think that's enough about dreams, about hoping, I want to make it a real thing! To have my own paintings gallery, To have swimming pool in my house, heated!, To open art school for homeless child. To go travel around the world and bring only brushes, colors and papers. To have my own photography&Paintings exhibitions. To make more friends and artist from all over countries. To have gym room in my house , To have practice room, I want to go here and there, to become happy. and happy. 

Then, lepastu, ada orang tanya. how about dakwah? Usrah? dan perjuangan Islam?Are going to abandon 'em? and who going to help make your dream come true? alone? are you going to travel alone? how about your work? parents? siblings? how about continue study?.

Pada aku, its depends on how you define Da'wah. Gezz~~ Ive post too much already about this matter. I dont like discussing these thing anymore . But what will you get when you're asking me about how iam going to do Da'wah from all my dreams? because Iam going to answer that is my Da'wah. Ive receive too much for myself. dah banyak sangat aku join usrah, aku pergi program sana. masa zaman skolah dulu, cubalah tanya brapa banyak aku contribute program2 motivasi dan da'wah (xdakla byk mana pon,kah!). But everything Ive done, end up I will get it for myself. untuk aku. then It become slowly wasted because I get bored all the time for attending the same event. I keep asking myself. then, what can I really contribute with all I have? with these Ilmu? with these usrah dalam dada ni. Orang kata, join program, buatlah amal, handle lah usrah. I tried. but I failed. I knew it. aku ni tak sesuai jadi kakak usrah, or pergi program2 yang menekan2 minda sangat. I dont like it. I failed so many times, I wonder why, is that because of the methods? no, because some people can accept it. is that because of people? no, because I like them. so what's the problem. I couldnt figure it out. 

Until one day,Umi asked me if I still join usrah at university. I said, no , I stopped. I closed my eyes, Im ready to receive any bebelan or any punishment that I should get. because she knew that I really contributed with Nisa' kawasan, and usrah kawasan when I still at CFS, she never ask anything until I got transferred to Main camp. But she asked me, What is my own method to do Da'wah. should have your own back up. do something. there are so many ways. you can't idling around. She saw so many potential inside me, she dont want things got wasted since I have talent in my own. 

Then, I figured it out. I have to do something. Of course people don't know, people don't see my usrah. people won't see my da'wah. because it comes in different ways. I keep praying that someday, someone will notice, someone will feel so grateful and feel believe and have strong faith in Allah when they saw my methods.  Because ,these are the things that I have faith in myself. People look more beauty and do better when they have confidence in their self .Nak suruh aku handle usrah. memang dengan anak2 usrah aku jahanam nanti.apatah lagi writing articles or fight about politics, I know this might sound excuses for myself taknak handle usrah or join mana2 program xnak pergi meeting. Then its up to you. If you are about to ask me what is my contribution in Islam so far, I will say, I dont know yet and I will never know how much Ive already contributed, because, there are some people who in front of the screen will feel something when they read my post. will shred their tears when they watch my videos, will say Alhmdulillah and subhanallah when they watch my artwork. My contribution might be small, but if this can affected people's heart towards big deeds, then that would be good enough for a loser like me.  

Just like how much those animes changed my perceptions. Just like how much that 2 minutes short videos changed my attitude, Just how much their paintings showed me that Allah's created more more beautiful paintings in my life. Just like how much Im feeling grateful that Ive better life when I read their stories, Just like how much I know that Islam is the best way of life when I saw their pictures. Bukankah Islam itu indah dan mudah? 

There were some time that Im giving up everything. Aku mogok. aku taknak join program, aku tak nak buat apa apa. I became wasted and useless, I became worst, and I started to hate my self , why I was born in Islam. why? because of people pressuring me. accused me that Ive been lost, cakap aku dah berubah. cakap aku makin teruk, cakap aku tak join itu ini  sebab aku dah berubah. sesat. and started to see me as "golongan yang tercicir" "golongan yang futur". Thanks to the past. I am now become who I am. I will try my best in my own way, I will certainly will gather my ally, and show that Islam is more beautiful and Allah is more great than you ever thought. Our methods might be different, and our aim might be not the same too, but we do expecting the same result. To make the world a better place. to make better individual, to make better community and country? Isn't there? or...maybe you just want to bring people to go to heaven. I dont know lah. argh. excuse pijah. ini semua excuses. 

To all people out there, if you think you are good-for-nothing person that only waste space in this world, then you are wrong. Allah Never created human for nothing. we are the reason for each other. I need you, and you need me, you remind me and I will never let your hand. We just need to find a thing that we are capable with. If you good at drawing, then draw, but draw a good thing. If you good at singing, then composed a good lyrics. If you good at sports, then show that you still have to solat no matter what. If you good or confidence in anything. Show them, that only ALLAH ya Qawiy, Ya Matin, can give you such strength. If you good at loving, show that Allah Ya Wadud is the greatest lover. at least kalau kau rasa kau dah tak berguna sangat dah, pandanglah muka kau kat cermin, and said, at least kau jaga muka kau. gigi kau. tp kalau kau tak gosok gigi, aku xtau lah kau mmg useless sgt lah tu >.<

Well, well, another long and boring post. Oh Hey, thanks for anyone who wish my birthday. and thanks to anyone who remember but didnt wish. thanks to anyone who dont remember but pernah wish like 10 years ago. thanks thanks. Your wish will never be a waste, wishes always remind me that me that my existence at least accepted by certain people. and this time of my 24th birthday, I remarked it as the first mature celebration. sebab dalam opis -..- ha ha ha. and the best 24th birthday gift is, this internship experience. all of them, included the people I met, the jobs, the environment, events.

Nah, jangan kata hakak dak payong noooohh~~~~

And you will be more appreciate and grateful to people who are stay and still with you. 
Tak kisahlah depa tu suka ke dak suka hang kan? -,,-

Saturday, January 2, 2016

First 24th years old post

My first post in 2016, Happy Masihi New Year, Hijrah New Year is already started long time ago. well,  If you dont remember, today is 22nd of Rabiul Awwal 1437hijri. Honestly, on 31st day of 2015, I had this thought that Im gonna turn 24 soon. They said that women who turn into 24-26 years is at their most rilexing level in their emotion. haha. Trust me, women doesnt have any limits in their emotion. It is all depends on their situation ye know!

Then, I will start the story that happened yesterday. semalam hantar umi pergi mesir, kat KLIA. So I met her and her friend. salam tangan kejap lepastu nak pegi toilet. When I came back, I just realized that ada sorg chinese girl yang duduk depan umi. These seats kat depan terminal E, which is ada 6 chairs yang facing each other. so, that chinese girl sit infront of umi, then next to her is me. borak2 dengan umi. Then umi ckp . "ok jom lah amik gamba.." then I go lah duduk besides umi , suruh nada amikkan gamba. When I get back besides her, she suddenly asked me to take her picture. yeah. sure. why not. bila nak bg balik hdphone dia. Then dia tanya.

"What kind of gesture that you do with her.." dia tunjuk gaya salam cium tangan. oh that was long time ago. I bet she really simpan that curious nak tanya. haha .

Then, me and nada explain that is when we greet people who older than us. I dont say it shows of seniority or sort of, I somekind of respect lah we said. then she nodded understand. She seems impressed and excited. It happen that she is first time in Malaysia, tp dia transit je, which is she never had chance to walk around KL. well I bet she doesnt have any plans to walk malaysia. of course, her destination is Nepal.

Then we stopped for a while , aku berborak2 balik dengan umi aku yg aku dh lama tak jumpa. balik rumah xjumpa kat rumah pun. kena pegi jumpa kat KLIA juga. Meet my mom is very costly I guess. Then its getting late, moms flight at 2pm, that time is already 11 so we have to gerak balik puchong segera. then I greet her for the last time. Then dy tanya bleh mintak mail tak , pastu aku pun suggest yang nak email dia and number dy so that we can keep in touch. You guys should watch her reaction that she is truly happy to know us. mom said "suka dia kat pizah." yeah. I can see from her expression, is like you're happy that uve got new friends. She gimme a hug. and the we taking picture.

Mom said, That's the power of Ya Rahman Ya Rahim. Aura kasih sayang yang Allah pancarkan buatkan seseorang tertarik dengan kita. well, of course there will be some hikmah that we didnt know. I always wonder how strangers see me in their eyes. i mean, non muslim ke, that because I never had chance to know them. I dont have any non muslim friend that much. Iam so happy that Allah let her likes me at least want to talk to me. huhu. I took this event as a great opening of my 2016. and I do hope that this year will be more interesting more and more. eventhough that I might facing big challenge ssoon  i hope that I strong enough to survive.

You know that, Ive always in situation when Im with my friend, and we meet new people, that new people never interested in my but like my other friend instead. something I thought mybe iam not cute enough. maybe iam not friendly enough, maybe im not that lively, i dont know. I dont know how to create my first appearance in peoples first impression.

Her name is Saisai. She said if I want to visit china, we can meet there and gimme some tour. Oh lord, Im glad. at least ade jugak org interested with my behaviour. wuwuwuwuw. im sound so pathetic arent now, since when my self-esteem fell this low huh?  

There was a time when many people said that I have high confident  level in myself. why? because i can speak clearly infront of people, Im not a stage fright. I shout my opinion outloud, my presentation full of confident because I can speak english loudly eventhou my grammar is poor. I can smile happily I can answer people's question confidently. Now, there's nothin like that  because I gain my weight. kait sangat -_- . dunno why. but Iam not who Iam. dah, titik. 

Now, Iam hafizah that has moderate confident level, I can stuck and freeze infront of people sometimes, I can cry if get scold or cannot answer question during presentation. I become fragile. I became more cautious when I speak my mind. I put more lying and comfort through my words and most of the time, I choose to keep silence. Then I realized that I grow less haters. ha ha ha 


because as i'm growing older, life isn't easy as before. I have to take responsibility for my words.  I became coward. I became puppet, my voice stuck in my throat, and its burning feel like my lung going to explode whenever situation happens. I became weak when I'am with my friends, that feeling you want to keep your relationship good, dont want to scratch her heart. dont want to make them "terasa". yeah . that sorts of things yang membuatkan kdg2 kita jadi lemah. Some people said, you will grow weak when you fallin love.  and people who love the most will hurt the most.  yada ...yada. . . we knew it already, yet we neglected it. we keep changing it that love make us strong. love keep us motivated. we keep this lies forever , we keep consoling our own heart that love gonna make us stronger. yet. look at the mirror and ask our self. is that true? 

Wait. dont get me wrong. I dont against the idea that Love make us stronger and give motivations and bla bla. because I witnessed with my own eyes that people suffered. by that time  people said "that's not love lah. love doesnt make us suffer." click. now tell me what is ye definition of love. that answer lies in every heart, and it doesn't applied to others heart. only we knew what we knew. only we feel what we felt. 

Actually, how I wish to have my confidence back. But sometimes being so strong and out loud makes you feels lonely, hey, have you heard this? people who are strong will always feels lonely. how come they feel lonely when they are strong? Life sure complicated but you wont feel  so lonely if you have good companions with you. 

sedar tak sedar. tinggal lagi 3 minggu nakhabis intern. and my post shall stop until then, coz I will get back to my Instgram and twitter. so. TTYL. 

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"wahai orang-orang yang beriman, Mengapa kamu mengatakan sesuatu yang tidak kamu kerjakan?" "Allah sangat benci jika kamu mengatakan sesuatu yang tidak kamu kerjakan" Assoff:2-3