End of 2023

Before I wrote this post, I read a few of the posts that were left in the draft. Funny, why does it never go out? It is actually better than nothing. 

This year in 2023, I started journaling in January after I received a small black notebook for my birthday from Caje. I thought it just going to be a temporary habit, but it turns out, I wrote that journal more than I can ever imagine. Consistently, because initially I just wanted to write down about my happy moment, but it turned out to be a rant, letter, and delulu stuff. But I learnt a lot from journaling, I learnt to express my emotions with words. I learnt to be more expressive and deep dive into emotions and understand why I feel such feelings. 

A lot of learning about myself this year. A lot of understanding ups and downs as we grew older. I've been working in a very good company since 2021. After few years searching for a company to work, that can occupied my emotions and physical. God forbid me to work at my dream company with my dream team. I want to stay there for a very long time. I don't care anymore about being adventurous, about trying something new in life. I seek peace. I seek flexibility, I seek where I can go back to my hometown whenever I feel like it. The flexibility and understanding, they also concern about mental health and coaching.

Every positive part, there is going to be a bit of negative side. If not, life wouldnt be so balanace. I understand, there's no such thing as a perfect place. But I do know things that are gems, rare and I will not easily let it go. My plan next year is to stay but to step up my game in the company. I wanna challenge myself to take more responsibility. Rather than just keep it to myself. However, I know I just fear of the unfamiliar. Humans hate that.

The unfamiliar place, people, procedure. We hated them so much but why? Is it inconvenient? wasting of time? used up more energy? time-consuming and mentally consuming? I understand that, but if I have to let everything go. Then I will just need to put up one more fight again. Isn't it how life works? Bukankah semua benda dalam dunia ini tidak kekal? Dan bukankah, manusia sangat benci kepada benda yang tidak pasti?

Letter for the fragile hearts

I recently read a book. Yup, Hafizah read a book? It is a compilation of letter for the heart, short one. There's a one letter goes by this sentences ;

"Throw away unwanted emotional baggage that is weighing us down and making us stuck in the past."

I read the next page, but there are no suggestions on how can I throw away this unwanted emotional baggage, and how to get rid of all unpleasant things that prevent us from being happy. None. All they ask is if we can get rid of feelings, for me you can't get rid of feelings, all you can do is to layer it with another feeling. That's how we coop. 

Human cant feel 10 layers of feelings at the same time. You cant be sad and happy at the same time, your heart will choose one, and overthink one of them. 

But, happy will never be permanent, or never that long.

So I keep asking myself, why does happy feeling never stay? but sad/dissapointment always keep coming back. Why do we needed the urge to always topup the "happy pills" , while sad and dissapointment is the one that keep coming? Because all we do is layer it with happy pills without actually cure our sadness. Thus, sadness can not be cured, or be erased. It stay like a faint tatto marks, while you drew new one on top of it, it still there. 

I wont keep this in my draft, but I will come back for next part. 

Till then..