worth double taps post

Dont let me go by click five *playing*

here is the trick to write an emotional post without being distracted. Listen to the most sentimental music, and keep it replying . play until u finish writing. and surprisingly,  you wouldnt notice how many times the song playss

Its been a while since Ive updated my last photos on instagram and facebook, and even twitter. and you know what, im going to abandon it  for a while , just to keep my mind away.

Never thought that it would give me such deep reminder upon myself. My perspective changed when I saw photos of my friends. I promised to myself that I will stop uploading anything at social networks, and here I come back, but blogger as exceptional I guess. What have change? I saw that world with different perception. People talk about themselve, talk about their pleasure, their happiness , the moment they dont want to forget, But somehow, it feel so lonely, picture and those captions makes me so lonely. I dont think that I would feel so lonely, mybe my life not as fun as them, mybe my money not much as them, mybe my outfit not nice as them. I want to have it all. friends, moments, beauty. I just couldnt figure it out

Until I realized that I cant have it, I just can imagine it, just can dream it, and it felt so lonely. Because I want something that people have. and I knew I couldnt afford it. Then, I reflected my life. my self. I also have life, but my life is not fun because I dont show it to people, I want people to see, I want people to know that Im happy and my life is worth-watching. scrolling and double taps.

To be honest. That what I felt right after I stopped uploading photos online. It is not wrong. Nothing wrong with uploading photos, sharing moments and all these, nothing wrong. What's wrong, is me. But these photos that Ive keep without uploading anywhere could have been extra sentimental. Why, because it left without descriptions. I know someday it will bring me back to those moments whenever I see the pictures. Because people will forget and the memory will bring them back. even if I dont remember it anymore, that picture will tell me the stories.

Mom once said "kalau pergi shopping mall mesti nak shopping. baik tak payah pergi".

that one line give me principles in my life. Kalau asyik tengok gambar orang lepastu jeles2, baik tak payah tengok. if you couldnt handle yourself, then keep away. Manusia ni 1001 mcm2 perangai, so kita tak tahu apa yang org fikir bila kita tunjuk kebahagiaan kita. Lagi2 org2 saiko mcm aku ni, ha. tengok emosi je post pasal upload gambo saje.

haha, Trust me, I will come back soon, upload everything again.

let me tell you a secret, my mr Kazeya is a person who wouldnt go online. he rarely upload picture of him. or anything. So, he left myterious. I hate it, but I cant help it,  because I dont know what happen to him,  so I have nothing to feel and my mind keep playing all moments when  I met him last time. Funny though, This kazehaya will remain secret and no one will ever heard anything about him from me. 

You know what amazing about human? memories. someone lies in some other memories. Memories is like supernatural power that come with emotional feelings and thousand layers of moving pictures and sounds. Some people could replay it clearly even after decades passes. no matter it for good or bad memories. Somehow i surprised myself that I could remember kazehaya clearly. and he doesnt know how my memories still replying. But that part of memories, people choose what they want to remember, and somehow the couldnt erase it. and when they want to remember it, it already disappear. Memories is gift from Allah.  

Lagi setengah bulan nak hujung tahun. Only if I can count blessing that Allah gave, Only if I can repent my countless sins, Only if I could say that Ive tried my best to survive. Only if I can avoided any mistakes. Only if I try my best to take care of my heart, Only if  I can count how many time I spend my time remembering Allah.  Allah gave so much rezeki and blessing,yet I still couldnt call myself hamba yang bersyukur.  

 

Bleary-heart

Today,is approximately 54 days before end of my internship. and 30 days minus all the holidays and weekends. Hence, I've only 1 month left , working day. After spending 3month and 2weeks for this program of course so much thing have changed. Even for myself, there's so many part that ive realized that ive changed. 

You know, people tend to difficult to discover themselves whenever they started to change. They just might think we still all the same, other people is changing.Somepeople said, whenever they don't treat you like before because you didn't acted as they want. in other words, you've changed. Its hard to admit. and im sick talking about changing,change, different all the times. tuih.

If you really want to be who you want to be, then be it. Don't wait until people tell you changing or you are different. such a waste of time if you'd let people control over your life. your mind and soul. Frankly speak, always been a difficult task to avoid people's voice and influences , maybe our nature always want us to prove to everyone that we're good. I mean, we are ourself. But we end up wasting so much time to be people they want us to be.  The truth is, people keep changing, if we didn't change means that we dont move forward. We keep changing, we keep renew our thought, we just need to decide, either its for good or reverse. 

Gezz, I don't intend to post something about slice of life motivations. It just that I started to think what im going to do after this. I mean, yes it was like a dream that you got best place for work, livng with your friend and had an independent life, but I'd realized that this moment wont last. We have to move forward (talking about something to move, remember about kazehaya ...kun).  Sometimes I feel that Iam lost at comfort zone that I dont want to move forward or backward. I want to freeze the time, yes, and no I want to make this moment forever. but I know that perhaps something in front, something far away are waiting for me, my future is waiting for me. god and His plan. 

Before we decided to live alone, I thought we want different experiences from anyone else, we've got no allowance since beginning, we have to pay rent every month, pay the bills, carefully plan our expanses . and have to go to work every morning, wake up with responsible within our shoulder, have a good working with your coworker, and end our internship program with flying colors, so much till we didn't think about how hard experiences this could be. and with a blink of the eye, we're now almost at the semi final battle. and the real battle is final year project. But life isn't just about this battle. But I think, for my role, that should be enough for this alone, I shouldn't have more battle  , I might pass out if I did it. well, not everyone will pass out. Im just not ready. I hope u will understand what I meant by 'more battle'. along the way. 

I would care if people told me that im just avoiding it and creating more excuses. because yes I am. well this case started since im already in it. or I would say I born with it. somewhere that not many people live with. and some people continue, and some people like me dont. even I have to block my friends and disappear I wouldn't have any regret. coz i already regret everything until now and I will feel more regret if I come back . Eventhou some of them not giving up to pull myself together by knowing my background, Sometime its the best if you live with people who doesnt care even a slightest about your family background or yourself before, who dont give a damn about what you're doing, and dont even care if you do what you want. Just be with me whoever Iam and whenever I go, always give positive support and tell me what's right and wrong. 

Dont expect me for more, Im tired to live up people's expectation. I'm sorry if Iam not the person who I was before or a person you thought I'll be.  I'm sorry if I changed.  but you dont have to stay.

call me sensitive, and I call we're done.

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