Akustikata: from good-for-nothing girl

Iam now officially 24 years old woman. yelah. 7 January haritu. Some people asked me, what is my wish when Im turned 24. and when the new year coming. Orang2 dah start cakap pasal azam tahun baru dan langsaikan hutang2 azam tahun lepas. Then I realized something new about my self. I want to grow up , I mean, not grow old. Grow old is only numerical. What's the point is, I want to grow up, and catch whatever I can. Grab every chance, Take any risk, choose any roads.

Talking about dreams, when I turned 24, I want to start to make my dream come true, I think that's enough about dreams, about hoping, I want to make it a real thing! To have my own paintings gallery, To have swimming pool in my house, heated!, To open art school for homeless child. To go travel around the world and bring only brushes, colors and papers. To have my own photography&Paintings exhibitions. To make more friends and artist from all over countries. To have gym room in my house , To have practice room, I want to go here and there, to become happy. and happy.

Then, lepastu, ada orang tanya. how about dakwah? Usrah? dan perjuangan Islam?Are going to abandon 'em? and who going to help make your dream come true? alone? are you going to travel alone? how about your work? parents? siblings? how about continue study?.

Pada aku, its depends on how you define Da'wah. Gezz~~ Ive post too much already about this matter. I dont like discussing these thing anymore . But what will you get when you're asking me about how iam going to do Da'wah from all my dreams? because Iam going to answer that is my Da'wah. Ive receive too much for myself. dah banyak sangat aku join usrah, aku pergi program sana. masa zaman skolah dulu, cubalah tanya brapa banyak aku contribute program2 motivasi dan da'wah (xdakla byk mana pon,kah!). But everything Ive done, end up I will get it for myself. untuk aku. then It become slowly wasted because I get bored all the time for attending the same event. I keep asking myself. then, what can I really contribute with all I have? with these Ilmu? with these usrah dalam dada ni. Orang kata, join program, buatlah amal, handle lah usrah. I tried. but I failed. I knew it. aku ni tak sesuai jadi kakak usrah, or pergi program2 yang menekan2 minda sangat. I dont like it. I failed so many times, I wonder why, is that because of the methods? no, because some people can accept it. is that because of people? no, because I like them. so what's the problem. I couldnt figure it out.

Until one day,Umi asked me if I still join usrah at university. I said, no , I stopped. I closed my eyes, Im ready to receive any bebelan or any punishment that I should get. because she knew that I really contributed with Nisa' kawasan, and usrah kawasan when I still at CFS, she never ask anything until I got transferred to Main camp. But she asked me, What is my own method to do Da'wah. should have your own back up. do something. there are so many ways. you can't idling around. She saw so many potential inside me, she dont want things got wasted since I have talent in my own.

Then, I figured it out. I have to do something. Of course people don't know, people don't see my usrah. people won't see my da'wah. because it comes in different ways. I keep praying that someday, someone will notice, someone will feel so grateful and feel believe and have strong faith in Allah when they saw my methods. Because ,these are the things that I have faith in myself. People look more beauty and do better when they have confidence in their self .Nak suruh aku handle usrah. memang dengan anak2 usrah aku jahanam nanti.apatah lagi writing articles or fight about politics, I know this might sound excuses for myself taknak handle usrah or join mana2 program xnak pergi meeting. Then its up to you. If you are about to ask me what is my contribution in Islam so far, I will say, I dont know yet and I will never know how much Ive already contributed, because, there are some people who in front of the screen will feel something when they read my post. will shred their tears when they watch my videos, will say Alhmdulillah and subhanallah when they watch my artwork. My contribution might be small, but if this can affected people's heart towards big deeds, then that would be good enough for a loser like me.

Just like how much those animes changed my perceptions. Just like how much that 2 minutes short videos changed my attitude, Just how much their paintings showed me that Allah's created more more beautiful paintings in my life. Just like how much Im feeling grateful that Ive better life when I read their stories, Just like how much I know that Islam is the best way of life when I saw their pictures. Bukankah Islam itu indah dan mudah?

There were some time that Im giving up everything. Aku mogok. aku taknak join program, aku tak nak buat apa apa. I became wasted and useless, I became worst, and I started to hate my self , why I was born in Islam. why? because of people pressuring me. accused me that Ive been lost, cakap aku dah berubah. cakap aku makin teruk, cakap aku tak join itu ini sebab aku dah berubah. sesat. and started to see me as "golongan yang tercicir" "golongan yang futur". Thanks to the past. I am now become who I am. I will try my best in my own way, I will certainly will gather my ally, and show that Islam is more beautiful and Allah is more great than you ever thought. Our methods might be different, and our aim might be not the same too, but we do expecting the same result. To make the world a better place. to make better individual, to make better community and country? Isn't there? or...maybe you just want to bring people to go to heaven. I dont know lah. argh. excuse pijah. ini semua excuses.

To all people out there, if you think you are good-for-nothing person that only waste space in this world, then you are wrong. Allah Never created human for nothing. we are the reason for each other. I need you, and you need me, you remind me and I will never let your hand. We just need to find a thing that we are capable with. If you good at drawing, then draw, but draw a good thing. If you good at singing, then composed a good lyrics. If you good at sports, then show that you still have to solat no matter what. If you good or confidence in anything. Show them, that only ALLAH ya Qawiy, Ya Matin, can give you such strength. If you good at loving, show that Allah Ya Wadud is the greatest lover. at least kalau kau rasa kau dah tak berguna sangat dah, pandanglah muka kau kat cermin, and said, at least kau jaga muka kau. gigi kau. tp kalau kau tak gosok gigi, aku xtau lah kau mmg useless sgt lah tu >.<

Well, well, another long and boring post. Oh Hey, thanks for anyone who wish my birthday. and thanks to anyone who remember but didnt wish. thanks to anyone who dont remember but pernah wish like 10 years ago. thanks thanks. Your wish will never be a waste, wishes always remind me that me that my existence at least accepted by certain people. and this time of my 24th birthday, I remarked it as the first mature celebration. sebab dalam opis -..- ha ha ha. and the best 24th birthday gift is, this internship experience. all of them, included the people I met, the jobs, the environment, events.